Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’m awake but I object,
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I don’t think my car can fly
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”