(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.