Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.