[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?