The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Attacked by a mop.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: how are you
Friday: good
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Generation gap…
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”