I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!