[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man