Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other