Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget