You Might Also Like
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’