My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Can. I. Help. You.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest