“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*