Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”