[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
This is my brand.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.