Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.