If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.