What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
In space, no one can hear…
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
God has abandoned us.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.