I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body