“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Always the camel, never the toe.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.