*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.