Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices