I’ll be mad as hell!
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.