Unimpressed
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
This could be us but you eatin’
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Wait for it
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂