A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?