guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
You Might Also Like
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”