Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.