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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd