Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
For anyone who needs this today
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I thought this was funny lol
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Don’t forget to tip your server
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?