My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You Might Also Like
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Saturday
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more