My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair