Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.