People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
You Might Also Like
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.