Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
You Might Also Like
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
😆this is so true
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.