My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.