groan^2
You Might Also Like
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.