WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Still a very good boi….
Don’t we all.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.