u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes