*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
You Might Also Like
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.