Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.