My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers