My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
🛁
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread