[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Monday?
No. Next question.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I am also baked goods