I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
All set.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
bury ourselves
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.