Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
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If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
oh my god
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?