What a chick magnet..
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.