so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started