All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Well, this explains it:
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.