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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”