when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
.. do you even science?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.