*skinny dips into black hole
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”